


Her Majesty's Misfortunate Maid and the Fortune Teller

by Bookah



Series: Her Majesty's Misfortunate Maid [3]
Category: Original Work
Genre: Action/Adventure, Airships, Butlers, Fortune Telling, Humor, Maids, Steampunk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-11
Updated: 2018-06-11
Packaged: 2019-05-20 21:08:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,209
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14902040
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bookah/pseuds/Bookah
Summary: Violet Jessup is a simple maid aboard Her Majesty's Air Ship Mungo Park with a penchant for troublesome inventions. When the crew finds themselves under the sway of a fortune teller will Violet fall to her spell? Rated T for archaic sordid language, slightly suggestive allusions, and fluffy pillows.





	Her Majesty's Misfortunate Maid and the Fortune Teller

Violet Jessup of Her Majesty's Exploratory Airship Mungo Park was nothing short of delighted. Ordinarily her life was one of laboring under the disapproval of one Alfred Jeeves, the Head Butler of the Mungo Boy. However, of late he'd been rather distracted from his campaign to drive her into giving up any ideas of inventiveness. While others might have complained about the ship's already catastrophic accident rate doubling, she couldn't have been happier with this turn of events.

The cause of her happiness had come in the form of one "Mama Boater." The woman had been one of the acquisitions brought aboard during a recent visit to Brussels. The notable adventurers, scientists, soldiers, and woman-disguised-as-a-cabin-boy had gone there at the Queen's request. Their mission had been to stop the efforts of one "Dr. Garry B. Goode" who was attempting to turn the city's population into bewhiskered Christmas trees. The good doctor was admonished soundly by the heroes and took it quite well, promising to no longer attempt to convert people into holiday decorations out of season, then proceeded to invite them all to a dinner of goose, Yorkshire pudding, and brussel sprouts. Some of the local dignities had been invited as well, and so the notables had been introduced to Mama Boater.

Mama Boater purported to be a psychic. She had contacted a number of spirits during the dinner, discovering that Queen Cleopatra had an annoying laugh, Julius Caesar could tell marvelous jokes, and Genghis Khan had atrocious table manners. Further she had discovered through divination that the ship would suffer far better fortune were she to be brought aboard. This proved to be indisputable evidence, and so the party returned successful, well fed, and accompanied by Mama.

Jeeves, the Head Butler, had taken one look at the woman and her gear and immediately turned up his nose. Well, he hadn't so much turned up his nose as performed his normal duties with a distinct formality that was stiff even for the ever so proper butler. It wouldn't have done for him to actually display any sort of disapproval in the presence of guests. However, down in the servant's deck, he had been heard to distinctly mutter the word "Tosh" just loud enough to be heard three inches away. This indelicate outburst had been the subject of conversation in the laundry for days after.

It seemed that Jeeves was not a believer in psychic powers. So strong was his disapproval that it had become quietly evident to the various maids, boilermen, cooks, musicians, and zoo keepers that Jeeves was distracted. The ship was continuing to run in splendid fashion (after all, the crew was British, and anything less just wouldn't be cricket), but Jeeves was no longer a constant presence criticizing the least detail. In fact, the time he would normally have devoted to keeping Violet Jessup from yet another "infernal engine" was now being spent shadowing Mama.

The strain this was placing on Jeeves could be illustrated by a particular incident. One evening, Violet managed to spill an entire setting of silverware in the hall right outside of the ship's Wireless Informatic Morse Imaging Communication System Room. The spoons hadn't yet struck the thick carpeting with a barely audible "whuff" (I did mention it was a very thick carpet) when the door had burst open. Jeeves was standing there, outrage written large on his face (to wit, the corner of his mouth had drooped a millimeter downward).

"Miss Jessup! Keep down that racket!"

"I'm terribly sorry, sir!" Violet exclaimed. She ducked down and began picking up the dropped silverware, expecting a long diatribe on proper behavior and reserve and not letting the queen down by being noisy like those silly Americans and… It didn't materialize. Surprised by the lack of a scolding, she rose from her collecting and peeked in the door. She saw Jeeves seated once more at one of the consoles, hammering away furiously at the morse set, surrounded by a veritable snowdrift of papers. As she watched, the wireless rattled away and began spitting out another paper that Jeeves seized like it was a Government Bond. He read it over, then scowled.

"Whatever are you doing?" she asked.

Jeeves snorted. "I am attempting to trace the movements and history of… our guest. I have been utilizing the ether, drawing on the various collected wisdoms of my fellow skeptics. See here." He held out one of the papers.

"'I say,'" Violet read out loud. "'You are a rather neophytish individual. Allow me to require tétons ou t'es rien.'" Violet's eyes shot up and she looked to the Head Butler. "What's that mean?"

"It's a sort of challenge of honor. Skip that. Mad Boy the Three hundred and twenty sixth is an odious personality similar to the monsters of Norse legend." Jeeves pinched his nose. "The next missive down."

Violet looked back down at the paper in her hand. "'Regards: Mama Boater. The woman in question was found on the Informatic data pool 'Psychics full stop Commercial.' She has been entering responses for two years, however, there are frequent gaps in activity. I would therefore posit that she has been moving around a great deal. You might cross reference through an informatics search on the pools 'Arcane under dash Mystery under dash Investigators full stop Commercial and in the archives of the Informatics Morse Library Collection at Crown under dash College under dash Educational solidus Outstanding under dash Warrents under dash Spiritualists solidus. I do hope this helps, old chap. Your mother and I enjoyed conjugal relationships last night." Violet's eyebrows rose.

"Ignore that last line," Jeeves muttered. "It is an Informatics joke of low taste. The important thing is that Madam Boater shows all of the hallmarks of being a fraud."

"I see," Violet replied. She handed the sheet back to Jeeves, who immediately began pounding away at the morse set with one hand while reading the sheet. "I suppose I should get to cleaning the silverware I dropped."

"Indeed," Jeeves replied.

"And I need to take care of the First Class Linens."

"You do that," came the response.

"I may have figured out a way to do both at once," Violet ventured.

"Splendid."

"It's a machine that polishes the silverware with the linen using a special compound I made with Dr. Van Brown's rocketry fuel."

"Carry on."

Violet left the room smiling, an act she had begun to suspect she'd forgotten how to do.

Some time later Violet was accosted while stumbling away from the smoke filled compartment that had once been the laundry on the way to the smoke filled compartment that had once been the cupboard. Her eyes were watering enough that she failed to notice her room mate, Elizabeth, also a maid, until she had almost collided with the girl.

"Violet! There you are!"

"Elizabeth?" Violet waved some smoke away and gave a small cough. "Whatever is the matter?"

"Oh, it's just that the Scullery Maid had a little accident, and so it has fallen to me to take the tea up to Mama Boater. But I can't do it, because I have to go fluff the pillows in the Gallant Major Lothario's room."

"But, we fluffed all the pillows in the First class suites this morning," Violet objected.

"I HAVE TO FLUFF THE PILLOWS!" Elizabeth exclaimed, thrusting the tea into Violet's hand and dashing off.

Violet sighed. "Perhaps he took a late nap?" she told herself. Shrugging, she walked down the passageway to deliver the tea.

Inside Mama Boater's cabin, the air was dark and smelled of a most peculiar incense. The room was centered by a round table, on which a slightly glowing crystal orb sat mounted on a small pedestal. Surrounding the table were several seats filled with various members of the ship's compliment.

"I say," Dr. Von Brown muttered. "It's rather about time for another adventure, is it not? I have a new rocket I wish to try that should help dazzle our foes through a burst of persimmon scented blue and green sparkles."

"I don't rightly know," responded Bobby Sands, the esteemed investigator from London. "Perhaps we should ask Major Lothario? He always knows the lay of things."

"Oh, he's not here just at the moment," responded the famed barrister Francis Ham. "He said something about fluffing the chambermaid's pillows."

"Oh, I say, is that quite proper?" Dame Ada Babbage looked up from some cards she was stabbing with a macramé needle. "Are we keeping the staff so busy that they don't have time to fluff their own pillows as well as ours?"

"Ooch, aye!" Angus the pirate responded. "My pillows have na been fluffed since I came aboard!"

"And when was that?" Ham responded.

"Two months ago."

"I see. Terrible. Terrible."

Violet set the tea down on the table and turned just as Mama Boater walked in, followed shortly by Jeeves. As the woman sat at the remaining empty place at the table, Jeeves stopped in the doorway, glaring in a way that only butlers seem able to glare, all without anyone seeming to be the wiser. Violet shrunk into the corner, figuring it would be better to remain discreet rather than disturbing such a well trained atmosphere of disapproval.

"Someone is missing," Mama Boater said.

"Well, yes," Dame Ada said. "It's…"

"No, don't tell me," Mama quietly admonished. She raised her hands. "Oh spirits, reveal the answer to this mystery!"

The crystal ball began to emit a glowing light that reflected onto the ceiling. The room was filled with oohs and aahs (and one disgusted snort) as necks craned to look at the image cast.

"Is that a lemure?" Dr Von Brown asked.

"No, I think it's Raphael's 'Madonna and Child'," Dame Ada replied.

"It looks like a re-enactment of the Battle of Agincourt," Barrister Ham offered.

"Oh, the scandal! The scandal!" Mama Boater moaned. "It is Major Lothario! Lured away by the chambermaid!"

"The chambermaid?" Angus responded. The group stretched to look a little closer at the image on the ceiling. Suddenly a chorus of scandalized "Ooooohs" came forth.

"I had no idea the chambermaid had such large pillows," Dr Von Brown muttered.

"We bought them cheap in Istanbul," Violet commented.

"Cheap?" Angus muttered.

"My powers have revealed to me that Major Lothario has been kept from our presence!" Mama Boater cried.

"Obviously," Jeeves muttered, nodding towards the empty chair against the wall.

"Let me consult the cards!" Mama retrieved a deck of cards and rapidly shuffled them. She held them out to Ada, who took the top one and started to poke towards it with her needle. Mama quickly jerked the card away before it could be skewered. "Let me see."

Dipping her finger into the pot of now cooled tea, she wiped at the grimy card. "Ah. I see…" She lay down the card for all to see the hand holding pair on the face. "The Devil! He's fallen to the temptation of the chambermaid's pillows."

"They're really nice pillows," Violet suggested. "Silk with goose down."

Jeeves darted forward. He snatched Mama Boater's arm and stared down the sleeve.

"Jeeves!" Barrister Ham sounded shocked. "Whatever are you doing, man?"

Jeeves shook himself. "My pardon. I thought I saw a crumb of cake fall into Madam Boater's sleeve. I did not wish for it to be rubbed into the elbow of her clothing because of my failing to keep the environment proper."

"Oh, Jolly good," Dr. Von Brown nodded his approval.

"But I didn't bring any cake," Violet mumbled.

"Hush!" the audience said, wishing this story would get on with it.

"Tell us, oh spirits," the woman called. "Have I divined true?"

The table jumped a little.

"Och… Is that an aye?" Angus asked.

"Of course," Mama Boater responded. Then she scowled under the table. "Jeeves, whatever are you doing under my table?"

"Checking your knees, Madam," Jeeves responded.

"For?" Mama's voice was smooth and slow.

"The tea cozy," Jeeves replied, standing back up. "It fell off while you were… divining from the card."

"Oh, thank you Jeeves."

"Of course, Madam," Jeeves responded.

Violet watched as the room cleared out, the various guests obviously amazed by the performance. Everyone was all smiles and jabbered excitedly, uttering many a "jolly good," and "most remarkable," and "fantastic pillows." As soon as they left, Violet walked over to retrieve the tea.

"How did she do it?"

"Sir?" Violet turned at Jeeves' musings.

"I haven't figured any of it out. I was certain she was just bumping the table with her knee for that last trick, but her knee didn't move one bit."

"Perhaps she's genuine?" Violet suggested.

"Poppycock," Jeeves responded, marching out of the room towards the wireless set.

Violet shrugged, then looked closer at the crystal ball. Seeing it was smudged she realized she'd been remiss in cleaning in the room. She whisked away down the passageway headed for the hold. She had just the thing.

It was not long after that various members of the crew were responding to quite the calamity in Mama Boater's quarters. Klaxons were sounding, men were running (as was one woman disguised as a man), and the three eyed fish in one of the labs was singing the Hallelujah Chorus, a sure predictor of trouble. The noise was so great it tore Jeeves away from the wireless set to try to see whatever was the matter.

The matter was, of course, Violet. The maid was standing in the middle of the room, dripping wet. Beside her the table had been upended, the crystal ball smoking but still in its place, defying gravity. Sodden cards were scattered about the compartment. Next to her, and doubtless the cause of this mayhem was a machine. An infernal machine. A diabolical machine.

"It's only a buffer," Violet sighed.

"I didn't ask," Jeeves responded. "Whatever happened? Wait, no… allow me. Noting that this chamber had become somewhat dingy, you took it upon yourself to create a device that would do your work for you. You probably combined a shoe shining kit…"

"It was a floor buffer."

"…with a tank from one of the labs…"

"Actually, it's a coffee pot from the kitchen."

"…added a few cogs and springs from the ships stores…"

"Well, I added a few cogs an… yes, sir."

"…and unleashed it on our guest."

Violet sighed.

"Miss Jessup," Jeeves chastised. "Doubtless this is my fault. I have been neglectful of my duties in keeping you firmly in check, and I realize that now." Jeeves bent down and picked up one of the soggy cards. "I allowed myself to become so obsessed with determining the explanation behind… our guest that I allowed you to regress to your base foolishness. I will, of course, go to the captain and tender my resi…" Jeeves suddenly cocked his head to the side. "What's this then?"

The card Jeeves was holding was dripping with the water that had been unleashed from the mad cleaning machine. That was not so curious a thing. What was peculiar, however, was that the water dripping away was colored. Jeeves peered closer at the sodden cardstock, then rubbed his thumb across it. "Look at this. There's a different picture under the original. At first it was 'The Devil' but as I rub it changes to 'The Tower'." He dipped his fingers in the tub on the back of the still gyrating machine. "And if I rub even harder… Yes. Now it's 'The Hanged Man'." Jeeves swooped downward, collecting another card. "This one too. It starts as 'The Empress' and becomes 'The Fool'." He ducked down again, collecting a third and rubbing. "And this." A fourth. "This as well."

In the back of the crowd, a certain Mama Boater began attempting to slink away, but was hindered by the growing crowd.

"Yes, yes. I see!" Jeeves eyes sparkled. "She would dip her fingers in her tea or some such, and then wipe the pictured until she got the one she desired. That way it could appear we were drawing the cards randomly and divination was working!"

"But, how does that explain the pictures from the crystal ball?" a crewman asked.

"Hmm…" Jeeves ducked down to pick up the crystal ball, only to have it jerked out of his hands when he tried to lift it more than two inches. Jeeves bent down to look closer, fanning the smoke aside. "Wires!" he exclaimed. He gripped them and pulled, causing a sproinging sound, followed by two shrieks, one male, one female from down the passageway. "Why is the light fixture moving?" "I do not know! Quick! Pelt it with pillows!"

Violet slapped her face into her hand, and resolved to speak with Elizabeth about pillow fluffing later.

"Do you mean to tell me that she… uh… she… I don't get it," a crewman muttered.

Jeeves sneered. "Obviously she stole one of Dr. Spielenburgers teletransferalmographic devices, and wired it to transmit through the crystal ball."

"Oh! And then she wired it into… my… quarters…" Violet felt faint.

Mama Boater made even greater effort to escape the crowd, but was hindered by the fact the crew was now crowding forward, probably hoping that the crystal ball had a record feature.

"But that doesn't explain the table jumping," Violet exclaimed.

"Yes, that is bothersome. I really don't know how she accomplished that." Jeeves glared at the table.

Just at the moment, the dreaded cleaning machine gave a lurch, and smacked into the upended table's leg. With a sudden and terrifying sound of mayhem the leg shot out several large springs that jumped about, tearing jackets, lodging in curtains, and slinkying down a nearby stairway.

"Oh, I see," Jeeves muttered, fingering a tear in his sleeve. "How terribly simple."

Mama Boater bolted, but caught her leg in a spring and proceeded to bounce about in a most undignified way.

"So what do we do with her? She tricked us!" one of the crew exclaimed.

"Oh, I have just the thing in mind," Jeeves replied with a smile. "Miss Jessup!"

Violet flinched and shrunk in on herself. "Yes sir?"

"You are no longer on grease trap duty."

"S… Sir? Thank you sir!"

"As for that contraption of yours," Jeeves gestured.

Violet bent down and switched the machine off, picking it up. "I know, sir. Throw it overboard."

"No no," Jeeves shook his head. "I shall dispose of this one personally. I know you would simply stash it away." He snatched the thing out of her hands. "You will straighten this mess out. It's disgraceful, the mess you've made. This is a Queen's ship and I expect it to be exemplary!"

Violet sighed, looking at the mess. "Yes, sir."

Jeeves turned to the crewmen. He gestured imperiously to Mama Boater. "To the grease traps with her!"

The woman's long, drawn out cry of "Noooooo!" could be heard throughout the vessel as she was eagerly drug away by two strong boilermen.

"As for you," Jeeves addressed the now dormant machine that had unmasked everything. He turned and walked down the passageway, and into his quarters. He placed the machine on a shelf and gave it a little pat. He turned to the audience and gave a little wink. "Shh."

Violet sighed.


End file.
